A woman, referred to as “Protecting My Peace,” has sought advice on how to maintain boundaries with her stepson while also being a supportive spouse. Her stepson, aged 22 and diagnosed with autism, has displayed increasingly volatile behavior over the years, culminating in physical threats against her and incidents involving stalking her children online.
For twelve years, Protecting My Peace was deeply involved in her stepson’s upbringing, assisting him in various aspects of his life, from attending his classes to taking him on outings. However, as he matured, his behavior deteriorated, leading to significant incidents of violence and intimidation. After a particularly alarming threat against her, she insisted that her husband find alternative living arrangements for his son, which he did. Despite this, her husband holds on to the hope of reconciliation, believing that his son is capable of change.
The couple has engaged in both couples and individual therapy, but family therapy with the stepson ended when he refused to include Protecting My Peace, stating that she was “not his mom.” This lack of progress has resulted in minimal contact over the past couple of years. While she feels guilty about distancing herself from her stepson, she also describes a sense of relief, prioritizing her family’s safety and her own mental well-being.
As Thanksgiving approaches, her husband has proposed that their son join the family gathering, which would include young children and grandchildren. Protecting My Peace firmly stated that her children would not attend the celebration if the stepson were present. She expressed openness to reconsidering her stance if there were consistent family therapy and observable changes over time.
In a response, advice columnist Annie Lane emphasized that Protecting My Peace’s feelings are valid. She highlighted the importance of setting boundaries, particularly given the stepson’s history of threatening behavior. Lane noted that wanting to distance oneself from a harmful situation does not diminish the love originally shown to the stepson.
Lane advised Protecting My Peace to communicate her position gently to her husband, affirming her support for his relationship with his son while maintaining her own limits. She suggested framing the conversation around the need for sustained change and effective therapy, rather than as a punitive measure. Establishing boundaries is essential for those navigating complex familial relationships, particularly in situations with a history of violence.
Ultimately, Protecting My Peace seeks to balance her role as a supportive spouse with her responsibility to protect her children and maintain her own mental health. The challenge lies in navigating these difficult waters, ensuring that both her well-being and her family’s safety remain the priority.
